Watch out, this post is about to get really personal.
Blogging is feeling really difficult right now. It seems a bit like my blog is a bit of a joke. I feel like all I do is write up a monthly review and then participate in a few weekly memes before life smacks me down again. And it’s been this way all year. I have a bunch of unfinished reviews sitting in my drafts but life keeps getting in the way of me finishing and posting them. I have a notebook filled with post/project ideas that I really want to do, but again – life.
This month in particular has been the worst. I’ve spent the last three-ish weeks in and out of the ER and various doctor’s offices. What all started out with me just trying to get some fluids and anti-nausea medication has lead to follow-up appointments, a blood clot in my arm from my IV line, and a pending surgery as well as it being made blatantly obvious that I need to get a new primary care provider. I’d already had to make severe diet changes in the last few months to try and keep myself from getting sick all the time. Eventually, everything got to be too much and I ended up having a panic attack at work and fainting. I am now aware of who is on the med team at work on the night shift. I like most of them and one I didn’t even know existed, so at least that’s a positive. I also have a giant lump on the side of my head because I went down hard. It has gotten to where HR wouldn’t let me back to work until I got a note saying I’m fit for work. All I do is analyze data and load samples onto machines and they’re worried I can’t even do that. Feels bad, man.
Everything just keeps stacking up. As someone who doesn’t do well with medical situations to begin with, it’s been rough. I know everyone goes around with chants of ‘self-care!’ and I get it, but it’s really hard to find the time, money, and energy for self-care when you’re trying to balance a million appointments, deal with medical bills, and stave off endless panic attacks. I won’t even go into fighting with insurance for coverage on medications I need that they refuse to cover. I don’t mean to be overly dramatic, but it’s gotten to a point where literally any minor pain or ache in my body is enough to make me nervous. It’s sort of like ‘what complication is next?’ I’m scared of my own body.
I feel like we all hear this a ton but like, insert obligatory American healthcare is expensive as hell comment right here. Insurance is confusing, expensive, and even with insurance, my medical bills are daunting. I’m single and living on my own in an apartment with no roommates. My paychecks cover my usual expenses with a little to spare, but not a whole lot. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to pay everything I owe with payment plans and I realize that a lot of people have it far worse than I do, but it’s still thousands of dollars I’m having to come up with and it’s just a lot.
On top of all of this, I haven’t had access to my medication for depression/anxiety for about a year now. I was in the process of working out a new doctor to go to before all of this went down. Things weren’t going well with my old doctor and I’d moved pretty far away so things needed to change. I’m doing what I can right now, but again, things are rough. (I feel like a broken record repeating that phrase over and over these days).
Trying to keep up with blogging amidst all of this has just proven to be a bit too much. I don’t want to go on a hiatus but I also feel like garbage because I’m just not getting posts out like I want to. At all. I literally couldn’t type for two weeks this month.
To those tagging me in posts – I see you. I appreciate you. (No, seriously – it feels like my efforts are being seen and acknowledged and shit makes me feel good). I’ll get to them eventually – I PROMISE! Life is just a LOT right now. And I’m not coping well. I’m trying and I’ll get there, but now is just a bit of a mess.
I think most of this was to get it off my chest – have somewhere to vent to but also to explain where I’ve been. Where I’m going to be.
I’d also like to say that it looks like things are going to be way better for me once everything has settled. Some of the things that came to light in the middle of all of this were actual diagnoses for issues that I’ve had for years that doctors have been dismissive of. I’ve been getting sick when I eat for years now, and hopefully by the time 2020 comes around, I’ll finally be feeling better. The surgeon today even said I should be able to eat without diet restrictions again. While I am feeling an absolutely overwhelming sense of anxiety right now and I have a lot more testing to go through with, there is light at the end of the tunnel for at least one of my problems.
That all being said, I’ll probably be posting every now and then, but don’t expect to see me around much until things die down a bit. I’ll still be trying to check out posts on my feed every so often. I’m always rooting for all of you from the sidelines, even if I’m not visible – I promise! I’m just overwhelmed and something’s gotta give.
ALSO, if this post doesn’t grammatically make sense somewhere, I’m sorry. I definitely didn’t proofread. For like, reasons stated above and typing still doesn’t feel the greatest. Sorry?